Exclusive: Power Minister’s Draft Resignation Letter Sighted

Dear Dr. Kwabena Donkor, Minister in Charge of Power and Dumchop Affairs Convener of the doomed-to-fail Campaign to differentiate Dumsor from Load Shedding Cabinet Appointee in Charge of Negotiations with Fraudsters (alleged, of course) Power Barge Overseer Emeritus Etc. Etc. ad infinitum Sir, Yes sir! I greet you this splendid afternoon. My power goes off for 28 hours and returns (on a good day) for some 12 hours, but I am thankful. After all, we are advised to count our blessings and name them dum by sor. I mean, we should be happy we’re not like some other countries (ahem… can you name three?) in this advanced Century which have no power 24/7 and are suffering from all kinds of debilitating economic crises upon crises because power is a privilege and not a constitutionally-guaranteed right, no? Makes sense doesn’t it? Power is a privilege. That is why you and your privileged ilk get to ride in air-conditioned V8’s throughout the day, and pretend to work (my deep-throat sources say it was you mpo who shot down the Russian fighter jet on the Turkish border because they were spying on our power barges, and you rolled up your sleeves and paddled the obroni-wawu contraption yourself to the Tema fishing harbour). And then, in the evening, you sit your bone-lazy backsides in sofas in the air-conditioned government apartments near Angola Road in Accra, while generators sing to you of the sweetness of power and influence, all paid for by we the unprivileged who deserve no power because we’re not constitutionally-privileged. Oh. Forgive me, Honourable. I forgot to introduce myself. Well, I’ll do it in three phrases: My name is JayJay, I live in the jungle, and I own a Kalashnikov (licensed, of course). There. Where were we? Ah. Yes. We were talking about your resignation. You see, unlike all the cynical and uncircumcisedly unbelieving people in this country who believe you will not do the honourable thing by resigning in the face of your (abysmal) failure to end dumsor by end of 2015, I believe you meant every word you said. I know that your attempt to differentiate dumsor from load shedding was a lousy attempt at humoring the good people of Ghana, but you can’t blame us, now, can you? When you have just woken up from the sweltering heat of a dum night, no doubt feasted upon by the sharp proboscis of korle mosquitoes in dark shades and government boots, while your favourite dish lies rotting in a fridge that has not seen privileged power in three continuous days, the last thing you want to have room for on a radio morning is humour. Occupy Ghana did a good job venting on you the exact same bullcrap we think of your differentiation attempts, but I digress. Your lousy press officer doesn’t respond to journalists, and, if your secretary is like the many I have met in the civil service who, like you, wouldn’t know that dumsor and load shedding were one and the same even if an electric pole fell on them over the head, you need my help. So, I have decided to help you draft your resignation letter to Opana. Especially now as we countdown to December 31, the day you would do the most honourable thing you’ve ever done your entire life. Here goes:  

Ministry of Power


December 16, 2015 To His Excellency, Opana of the Republic of Ghana, Flagstaff House, Accra. Dear Sir, Resignation from the Post of Power Minister It is with a heavy heart (brought on by my imminent loss of siren and motorcade rights, the fresh V8’s, the many self-enrichment opportunities in government, and the ability to insult the intelligence of Ghanaians without prejudice) that I tender in my resignation as the Minister of Power of the Republic of Ghana. Mr. President, I made that rash vow because it was the only way to keep the heat off you after the Ghanaian public had questioned the odwanfunu rationale for the establishment of my ministry. I wanted them to believe that my ministry was needed because it was the only way to deal with the crippling energy crises. Ever since my assumption of the role, I have had nothing but insults (that rightly belonged to you) heaped on my poor head. And now, Mr. President, I am suffering from severe headache from not sleeping all through last weekend. I woke up, thinking it was going to be an awesome Sajuna beach weekend, with a Saturday night gig with Adorley at Tawala, but there norrr some nosy Norwegian journalists blew the lid on some small kick-back I had planned for my resignation. Woaa look. Is this good? My answers, all designed to protect your insipid incompetence, only made matters worse. I have just received the most embarrassing dressing-down of my whole life from those blokes at Occupy Ghana who have more wit and brains than the constitution should permit. It is entirely possible that I would not ever recover from that morning’s chastisement. Well, I have had it. The last straw for me has been the angry storm in the wake of the AMERI deal. But, to my defense, the pressure of ensuring that Ghanaians received a regular supply of power is what made me accept and sign a contract that is obviously in very bad taste. As for that Parliament of Baboons who didn’t crosscheck to be sure Ghana got a good deal, I have no idea what their excuse is. I propose that you scrap the entire power ministry in the wake of my resignation. Nothing good will come out of a ministry whose only existence is to attempt the impossible. The ministry can no more solve the dumsor crises than you can solve the economic crises facing the nation. The problem has and will always be about money. And since we are still to recover from all the cash we blew to win the 2012 elections (never mind that Woyome still has his 51 million cedis stashed away, and that your head on a bus cost us so much cash than it took to build all the Accra model schools), the problem will persist till Ghanaians boot your sorry arse from the presidential seat in 2016. Let’s face it. Your incompetence is to blame for all our power problems, and that is a problem not even I, a Ph.D., can solve. I wish you the best if you choose to appoint my replacement. I am happy to have served, but it ends here for me. I am a man of my word. My word was to end dumsor before 2016 or resign. Since the former is worse than before I became minister, I must walk the talk of the latter. Thank you. Yours faithfully, Signed Dr. Kwabena Donkor, MP Minister of Power & Dumchop.   Finally, Mr. Minister, after you have signed the letter, I’d be happy to deliver it to the resident deadGoat meself. The whole world stands in awe of my brazen boldness when it comes to delivering anything that would cause Opana plenty discomfort. I am at the reception, waiting. Make it quick. I have another letter for Doe Adjaho’s Parliament to deliver. Yours, JayJay D. Segbefia, NAV.